CNL: Stories
reprinted from the Compost NewsLetter
TEST FOR SUCCESS !!!
by Richard Steingesser
The rate of illiteracy and disgusting innumeracy is OUT OF CONTROL in our beloved white America. So we at the GENETIC CENTER have deemed it necessary to issue THE TEST FOR SUCCESS. This test will aid and comfort concerned and socially useful parents of Caucasoid pre-kindergarteners by accurately grading brilliant child's intelligence and predicting their probable future at Yale University, at least if the Mercedes Benz family wagon isn't totalled this weekend.
Moreover, we at the GENETIC CENTER are allowing your child to take this test in the privacy of your own secure million-dollar home mansion, but this test MUST NOT BE MISUSED. No child (except third-generation Yale offspring) can take more than five minutes and ten seconds for Part I, or more than thirty-two nanoseconds for Part II --otherwise test scores are invalid, and your child will immediately disappear. Good luck!!!
PART I -- History and Humanities (Five Minutes and Ten Seconds)
1. In a colonial army of two fewer than ten thousand midgets, who is the commanding white officer?
A. the nawab B. the satrap C. the bey D. the nabob
2. If a man with a diamond baton throws a gilded throne at you, the proper response is:
A. Whaa? B. Really? C. Really? D. Nu?
3. If you are managing a satanic heavy-metal band, superbly positioned between Ozzy Osborne and The Tubes, which of the following power names would you choose?
A. Drexel B. Rosa Luxenburg C. Thor D. Susan Sontag
4. Describe in 150,000 words or more how Woody Allen molested you behind your parents' pink gazebo.
5. A palinode is a
A. designer drug B. a pail with a nose C. a gecko's left nostril D. a Charlton Heston etude
6. Which of the following groups -- some elementary set theory is required in this humanistical questional -- consists of the most dentists?
A. a few Peskins B. some Fishbeins C. most Motzs D. all Wongs
7. Using kinship terminology and anthropological formalism, explain your father's mother's father's genealogical relationship to the House of Kent. You may use photogravure diagrams if embossed in gold.
8. Which of the following words does this sentence suggest?
A. love B. retells life C. adored opus D. tip-toe
9. What was the dumbest thing ever seen by a human being?
A. a stranded baleen whale in L.L. Bean B. Lorne Greene C. a complete Brio set for $14,999 D. the ortolah bird
10. The Yale College Admission Office would be most impressed by your exhaustive collection of?
A. aphids B. genital warts C. antique toilet seats D. Bic pens signed by Lorne Greene
11. You have a new Plantation walking horse and must name him. You would choose the appropriate name
A. Otto von Von B. Palestrina C. Bonzo D. Lorne Greene
12. You are about to be presented to the Queen of England, you would immediately change your name to?
A. Colville B. Longford C. Rusfus King D. Townsend
13. Your parents are vacationing in their Nantucket post-modern 18,000 sq./ft. log cabin and you and several thousand drunken friends must trash and destroy the family mansion. You would first destroy
A. the master bedroom and bath B. the bonzai garden C. the gazebo D. all fraudulent tax returns from 1987-93.
14. Whose cheek would you refuse to scar in your secret Yale college fraternity? A. Oldenburg's B. Dettlof's C. Janko's D. von Pfeiffer's
15. You would work for a nuclear waste dump if it provided a retirement package including A. harp lessons B. apricots C. elevator shoes D. Faye Dunaway's teeth
16. Which one of the following did not like where he lived? A. Fulbert of Chartres B. Cyril of Alexandria C. Fred of Flatbush D. Guido of Castello
17. Of the following, which one would you most unlike to have hanging from your lower lip? A. an eelpout B. Otto Von Bismark C. a linnet D. Rosa Luxenburg
18. Who weighed the most in the third grade? A. Kirsten Flagstad B. Henry James C. Louis The Sluggard C. Fred of Flatbush
19. Which one of the following was wait-listed at the evening extension division of the University of Tomsk in Siberia?
A. Nostradamus B. Samuel Gompers C. Rutherford B. Hayes D. Egelbert von Schnochnigg
Part II -- Mathematics and Science (Thirty-two nanoseconds)
Answer the following with a T for True, F for False, or M for Maybe, or N for None of the Above or V for Vegetable or Mineral, or Y for Yale, unless a multiple choice answer, which must never spell out in succession the ABC Islands or you will disappear.
1. King Rudolph of Novgorod or Prince Henry the Navigator?
2. An imperforated 1876 Romanian stamp, lilac magenta, with the balding head of King Carol, original face value of 1 Leus, and a watermark of a gold fur disco ball, is now worth how much more than all the real estate in Baldwin, Long Island?
3. You need to kill your chemistry teacher because of an "A-" at mid-term, so you would use?
A. Gammexane B. Vinylidene chloride C. a shovel D. phosgame
4. Your yearly sneaker purchases should feed for a decade?
A. 22 Mennonite Brethren B. 89 anorectics C. 773 Golden Retrievers C. 11,109 Ethiopians
5. Your parents are willing to send you to Aspen for Christmas and will allow you 1900 pounds of luggage. You must take with you ?
A. 3,400 Barbie Dolls B. 33,450 diaries of Anais Nin C. 200 pounds of SAT Review books C. your personal depilatator
6. Smart white people with doubtful prostate cancer and unnecessary colostomy bags outnumber black people in our beloved country by?
A. 1200% B. .002% C. five D. one Dan Rather
7. You need to torture a third-world terrorist. You would use?
A. aminazin B. Sanapax C. motiden-depo D. Dan Rather
8. Sucking raw tailpipe exhaust is?
A. mutagenic B. carcinogenic C. fattening D. normal
9. A third generation semihard automatom using applicator engineering and algorithms in bubble memory can make more snuggy diapers than a close-looped bang-biped robot on a deadman switch if always employing remote batch processing? Yes or no? What is the degree of disorder, either in microns or Freudian terms?
10. The first reliable condom was perfected by?
A. The Hittites B. The Medeans C. Ralph Waldo Emerson C. Alberto Flippo on a rowboat in Lake Winnipesaukee for his half-brother, Gloria Estefan.
11. If you are gagging on your tongue and attempting to swallow your nose, you might be suffering from?
A. ringworm B. tapeworm C. rabies D. Susan Sontag
12. What was the weight (in grams) of Leeuwenhoek's right hand when he discovered sperm?
13. If you are in a leaking lifeboat stranded in the doldrums with one banana, who can you ill afford to keep aboard?
A. Betty Furness B. Simone Weil C. Henry Kissinger D. Sylvana Mangano
14. Which one of the following bugs is most likely to invade Euro kitchen cabinets in Greek Revival ranch houses in Shaker Heights?
A. the bubble bug B. the ant lion C. the midge D. the bluebearded botfly E. the Robert Goulet bug
Scoring:
All Correct: Yale
Most Correct: Patrick Henry Junior College, Louisiana
Few Correct: Merrill Lynch
All Wrong: Yale
IMPORTANT!!! For scores to be properly validated and faxed to Yale, send results and $9,000 to Fred of Flatbush c/o GENETIC CENTER, Box 333, Princeton, Albania 0012X.