CNL: Stories
reprinted from the Compost NewsLetter
The Rant of JoMama
by Valerie Walker
[The following document was found mysteriously on my hard disk after a massive power surge which crashed the application I was working on at the time. Transmission appears to have been made via modem, but the source is unknown. How the message got through while the computer and modem were shut down is unexplained--vw]
Church of Jomama, Inner Temple of the Ho' Cuisine, Rev. Mother Val I. Dated
TO
All Adepts
SUBJECT
The Real Truth about "Bob" Dobbs' Origin, marriage, children, and connections to JOMAMA
The Conspiracy has managed to insert its tentacles even into the innermost reaches of the Church of the SubGenius' hierarchy; corrupting, deceiving, mis-translating, misinterpreting, so that even those SubGenii who are not direct agents are in danger of becoming pawns--without their knowledge or desire. Nowhere is this found more evident than in the published accounts of the origin, early life, marriage, and family life of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, Grand SlackMaster of the Church. Indeed, some of "Bob"'s most cherished utterances have been so distorted by those around him--closet Pinks and Conspiracy double-agents-- that the great mass of Subs are completely TURNED AROUND.
The First Cause of "Bob", his real father, was not the shadowy figure of the quasi-Jewish wandering milkman with which the upper Hierarchs of the Church seek to explain "Bob"'s origin. No, friends, the real Truth is more shocking than that. Due to a time-warp during his Sacred Emaculation, "Bob" was transported backward in time into the bed of HIS OWN MOTHER, Jane McBride Dobbs. From their Mystic Marriage (one with very ancient precedent in previous Boblives) not one, but TWO children were born. One was "Bob", making him his own father. The other was his twin sister, "Connie", whose birth was concealed and who was hidden away by the Disciples of Jomama (but more about this later) until a further Mystic Marriage was arranged between the brother and sister. This was done in order to further purify and concentrate the Dobbs Gene, and to produce the Dobbs Children. Unfortunately, all the boys ("Bubba", Bobby Jr., Adam Kadmon, Shem, and Shaun) were halfwitted due to this inbreeding.
It was not until "Bob" and "Connie"'s sixth child, a daughter, was born that the experiment proved successful. The girl's name was kept secret, and is to this day never mentioned; but she has taken the name of AMNESIA DOBBS, and is known by it in Inner Circles. Amnesia was a true Child of JOMAMA, and at the age of sixteen left home to become a Priestess in the Cult of JOMAMA. She rose rapidly in cult ranks, and is now Supreme Prophetess of JOMAMA, trying her best to overcome the errors which her father inadvertently committed and which (even though "Bob" himself has seen the light) his aides in the Church of the SubGenius continue to promulgate.
What are these errors? The first and most glaring one is the substitution of the God of Wrath, JHVH-1, for the Goddess, His Own Mother and Mother of All the Gods, JOMAMA (Praise to Her Holy Name!). Due to the understandable confusion of "Bob"'s mental faculties during his Emaculatory Ordeal, and the shock to his system of having swived his own parent (also one of the High Priestesses of JOMAMA), he went into a catatonic state, during which the memories of this period were blotted out, and only the evidence of the recordings remained. He was so affected by this that he would not even listen to them for years; by the time he did, agents of the Conspiracy had managed to effect alterations in the text, replacing JHVH for JOMAMA, and generally corrupting and altering Her Sacred Message from one of Joyous Chaos to one of Macho Despair. Thus it was that the entire Church of the SubGenius was founded on mistaken concepts, and the lives of millions were made miserable.
But the Hand of JOMAMA was not idle during this time. Her minions, the Hookers from Space, were at work. They contacted "Connie" and arranged her marriage to "Bob". When little Amnesia was born, they saw to it that "Connie" trained the child secretly in the doctrines and esoteric rites of JOMAMA; this was easy to conceal from the rest of the family, since the boys were all feeble-minded and "Bob" was often away from home on sales trips, and later, on Church of the SubGenius affairs. Thus it was that the Women's Mysteries were celebrated in the very Dobbshome which later became a symbol of male-dominated machofamily consciousness. Deep in the basement, behind the furnace, the ritual robes and Magickal artifacts of young Amnesia and her mother were stored, including one un-altered copy of the Original Prescriptures tape, the one with the TRUE Vision of Dobbs, the Vision that "Bob" was later to deny and the Conspiracy dupes in his organization to suppress. At the age of sixteen, young Amnesia, with the aid of her mother and grandmother (also her aunt and great-grandmother) "Connie" and Jane, made her escape from the ties that bind. Purchasing a ticket on the Greyhound to Omaha, Nebraska, and taking her few possessions in a Fiorucci tote-bag, she made her way by devious routes to a secret location, where she was picked up by one of JOMAMA's Saucers and transported to her new life as Prophet and Hooker from Space.
Her training period was passed in intergalactic space. Here she learned the Erotic and Culinary Arts, and grew to know the other Hookers: Traci, Candi, Barbi, Tammi, Suzi, Shari, Sandi, Judi, Kathi, Staci, Randi, and Kim. Much of this time must remain uncharted, for reasons of religious secrecy. What we do know, however, is that during this time Amnesia Dobbs decided that it was her responsibility to return to this planet and save it from the mistakes of her well-meaning but misguided father (also her grandfather), "Bob" Dobbs. In this worthy aim she was joined by the Hookers from Space; they have all returned to Earth to preach the Good News of JOMAMA, and to obtain as many Vital Bodily Fluids of the Earth-inhabitants as possible, in order to be able to re-create the human race if things go as badly as the worst-case scenario predicts.
In this worthy aim they have been joined by those of us who are Children of JOMAMA, who have Heard the Word, who have Eaten of the Ho'Cuisine, who have Munched on the Breakfast of Life, who have Heard and Attended the Call of JOMAMA: "Manja, manja!" We are the ones who say Pfui! to Masculist Desperation, who Know and are Known by Energy-Beings of the highest Sexual and Culinary Potency, whose Vital Bodily Fluids are in storage in the Sacred Sperm-and-Eggs-over-Easy tanks of JOMAMA. We are the Protein-Filled, the Vitamin-Enriched, the Well-Fed! We utter the Mystic Chant : "GI-ME-MO-BOB-E-CUE!" We know the True Vision of "Bob", which he has at last come to see himself! we are one in JOMAMA with "Bob", and the energy-vortex of her Divine Effluvium swirls around us and in us and through us! We eat a good breakfast every single day, and we get laid without even trying! HOT DOG! We challenge any weenie-bearing Pinkboy or Mediocretin to survive a night with the Heavenly Ho's! "The Road of Excess Leads to the Palace of Wisdom", said William Blake--Blake knew the Brides O' Bob, the DobbsDaughters, for before JHVH was a gleam in JOMAMA's eye, the Hookers from Space were plying their trade in all the worlds and between the worlds! Her Message has not yet been fully revealed, for Revelation is Continual, and new recipes are created every instant. But if you will attend to her Sacred Precepts and Eat Hearty, you will attain Slack.
Yes, friends, Instant Slack can be yours, the pleasant and easy way! No more Macho Masochism--no more Self-Flagellation, no more Hangovers, no more Deprivation! Just Manja! Manja!, and a simple physical process will take place which will lead you to AUTOMATIC SLACK! What is this physical process? It is known among scientists as POST-PRANDIAL DIP. No, not the kind you dunk bits of cauliflower into; no, not the dance; but the dip you experience after a hearty meal when all the blood leaves your head and goes to your stomach to aid in the digestive process. This feeling is the closest you can get to Terminal Slack without the aid of drugs (except, of course, for Orgasmic Spasm, but PPD lasts a lot longer), and it's available to everyone, regardless of race, creed, gender, intelligence, or level of enlightenment. Why, even Macho Masochist Desperadoes can undergo PPD--JOMAMA spreads her Mercies universally, and asks for no reward. But we, her Children, say: Give JOMAMA some Credit, because, friends, even the Gods need Slack. So, when you've gotten off a really satisfying Spasm, taken a healthy Shit, birthed a Nine-Pound Infant, eaten a Hearty Meal--How do you spell "Relief?" We Spell it JOMAMA. Bless her Name!
Yours in the ever-flowing Blessings of JOMAMA,
Rev. Mother V.
Valerie Walker